Time Magazine paid homage to the just completed World Cup by doing a photo essay on the “World Cup of Wieners”; listing the ten best dogs by city, beginning with – of course – New York. Your guess as to how Time made a correlation between wieners and soccer is as good as mine, but this excursion into stupidity got me thinking: Instead of a top-ten list of meat by-products and artificial fillers, why not have a top-ten list of genuine, 100% postmodern, USDA Grade-A leftist politicos using the humble hot dog as my muse? If Time can interpret an existential relationship between the World Cup and various American cities using a frankfurter, I can make a similar connection using that venerable, barely edible meat product to illustrate America’s victimization by the blundering policies of the Democratic Party. So other than the obvious, what kind of a wiener would a Democrat be? Let’s find out, starting with Barack Obama as Perrito Caliente Numero Uno:
- Number One: Barack Obama. Can Barry be our number one wiener? Yes He Can! Since no person in government today more closely resembles the hot dog's phallic appearance, frequently indigestible contents, and questionable origins than Barack Obama; it's only fitting that Barry gets a dog as unique as he is. A massive two-foot frankfurter, this wiener was made - like wealth - to be "spread around." It's unusual size is achieved by utilizing a state-of-the-art processing system that pumps the casing full of hot air. This hot air causes a chemical reaction with the filler to occur, rapidly expanding the size of the wiener to over 24 feet at an uncontrolled rate until it collapses and shrinks down to a more manageable 24 inches. But after just one bite, you'll see that it's more than just sheer size that makes this dog unique! You'll savor every mouthful as you expectantly wait to experience its advertised phenomenal taste! That it never comes is precisely the point. Like his presidency, this wiener proves that we are definitely the ones we have been waiting for: waiting for a job, waiting for an unemployment check, waiting for BP to cap their ruptured well, waiting for Iran to get The Bomb, waiting for that stimulus to kick in, waiting for clean, sustainable, new energy, waiting for...
- Number Two: Peter Orszag. Elitist liberal girls say The Orszagasm is the wiener they really want, and they want it bad. Hot dog number two on our list, this wiener can only be purchased through deficit spending and a debt load equal or greater than 182% GDP. While financial types call that over-leveraging, we call it tasty. Place this bad boy between a liberal chick's warm buns; smother it with high interest rates, 10% unemployment, and rising inflation; and then wash it all down with gallons of red ink. You've just had a gourmet Keynesian masterpiece heavy on style and short on substance! Enjoy early retirement, universal healthcare, and taxpayer subsidized Mediterranean vacations because you've earned it, bucko.
- Number Three: Timothy Geithner. A wiener for the calorie conscious, the Timmy Geithner gets spot number 3 on our list. Named after a Treasury Secretary who couldn't remember to pay his taxes, this dog's clever guerrilla marketing campaign was predicated around the vendor "forgetting" to give you the hot dog after you paid for it. A fantastic choice for those looking to shed unwanted pounds - and avoid those increased ObamaCare premiums, plus penalties and interest! - it was selected as a "Michelle Approved Food" by the First Lady's Let's Move, anti-childhood obesity campaign.
- Number Four: Eric Holder. The Eric Holder wiener checks in at number four. This dog is halal for al-Qaeda, al-Awlaki, and al-Gore. It is the only food endorsed by Saudi Arabia's Wahhabi ulema and Louis Farrakhan's Nation of Islam. And it's a proud sponsor of al-Qaeda's exciting new English language magazine: Inspire! Because of its secret blend of select spices and seasonings, this dog is sure to please your finicky jihadists with a taste as radical, incoherent, and evasive as its namesake! Pick up a pack for your next Black Panther Party today!
- Number Five: Janet Napolitano. In France, this gastronomic challenge is referred to as a "man-caused disaster," but among illegal aliens living in the shadows throughout America, they call it a culinary masterpiece of liberal excess! Clocking in at number five, this wiener is the pride of Mexico. Lovingly handcrafted by wiener-craftsmen from a recipe handed down for generations in a rural village outside Tiaxcala, this dog produces effects in American tourists similar to those once described as "Montezuma's Revenge," but that are now called "Overseas contingency operations."
- Number Six: Nancy Pelosi. While only number six on our list, this dog tops several EPA and WHO (World Health Organization) lists as America's most toxic wiener. Officially declared a threat to the environment by the EPA and banned in several states for its adverse effects on developing fetuses and capitalist economies, the Nancy Pelosi has also been proven to impair cognitive ability with the result that those who consume it say really stupid things. Loaded with industrial-grade chemicals, independent tests conducted by several major universities have revealed that the wiener uses extremely high levels of botox as a binder along with cellular filler derived from the pulped pages of Das Kapital and The Communist Manifesto.
- Number Seven: Harry Reid. Lucky number seven! And believe me, this wiener is lucky! The Harry Reid was almost tossed out of every grocer's refrigerated meat section throughout the nation for not being "light skinned" and not having a "negro dialect." Repackaged after undergoing dramatic taste improvements, the new Harry Reid wiener gained a robust "soul food" flavor when such enhancements as natural and artificial grits, collard greens, fried chicken, and pork chop flavors were added. Hush yo mouth, honey! You sho got a negro dialect now!
- Number Eight: Alan Grayson. At number eight is America's only wiener made exclusively from ham, the Alan Grayson. This wiener loves to be the center of attention, and has a tendency to upstage any bar-b-que or cookout with its ostentatious packaging and extreme taste. It's epicurian pretentiousness can be toned down by tenderizing it with numerous strikes from a dead-blow hammer...a really big dead-blow hammer.
- Number Nine: Fortney Hillman "Pete" Stark. We're getting to the end, and it shows! At number nine is a unique wiener prized by progressives for its tough, leathery, almost jerky-like characteristics. The Fortney Hillman is odd for a hot dog: this wiener is noted for its bitterness, class envy, and lingering aftertaste, yet it's also recognized for the dubious distinction of having a Waldorf Astoria name, but Motel 6 quality. Best used as an Energy Star rated weatherstripping, this wiener really has no redeeming qualities other than to get you some Benjamins back from The Man as an energy-saving tax deduction.
- Number Ten: Hilda Solis. We've made it! Rounding out our list of Top Ten Wieners is the Hilda Solis. This dog is really nothing more than your average leftist wiener, but it's marketed for kids with a "Union Yes" patch, a decoder ring, a Jimmy Hoffa action figure, and free "card check" included with every package. As far as being edible, the Hilda Solis is tolerable, but it comes into its own when its replaced by undocumented wieners smuggled in from Mexico that are guaranteed to be sold at prices comparable to American-made wieners. The Hilda Solis wiener also looks good when striking a thoughtful, revolutionary pose a la "La Pasionaria" Dolores Ibárruri and is available for bookings at your next bar-b-que. Uneaten portions are non-refundable.
